I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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