Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
