you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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