what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
