I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
