you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
