it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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