the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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