I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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