im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
