I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
