I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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