He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
