so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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