the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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