Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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