9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
