I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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