I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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