Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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