you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
