glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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