call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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