how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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