Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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