I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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