i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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