I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
