mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
