Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
