The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
