It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
