woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
