WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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