there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He has the fingertips of a God
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