Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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