Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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