Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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