she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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