My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
