My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
