we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
