I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
