it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
