I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
