Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Your cock deserves a montage
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
