In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
