i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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