I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
