So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Randomize
