can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
