The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
