Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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