I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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