Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
